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Why does money rule the world?

I absolutely hate money. Ever since I was a kid growing up in an affluent area where everybody wanted everybody to know what kind of car their dad drove I have hated what money does to people. Recently, I have discovered that having both too much and not enough money can be problematic. So you're living in a situation that's less than ideal but may not have enough money to move in with the love of your life in little less than a year. The question becomes...do you strip on a webcam to make extra money to be with the one you love? Decisions decisions....

Have I ruined my mind?

I am currently in the process of weaning myself off of an antidepressant that I have been taking for almost seven years. Since adolescence, I have relied on my happy pills to regulate my mood and keep me from sliding back into the world of depression and bulimia. In recent years, I have made incredible advances in my mental state with the help of group therapy and very talented psychologists and now feel that I am at the point that I may no longer require an SSRI to be happy. My first attempt to go off of my meds last summer went very well until I decided to quit smoking a few weeks later and fell into a deep depression that required me to hop back on my meds or live life in bed. After adjusting to life without cigarettes, I decided to give life without medication one more try. Unlike the last time I weaned myself off the pills, my attempts to step down in dose every two weeks this time led to extreme mood swings and sleep disturbance. I solicited the advice of a pharmacist I am friends with and reworked my steps so that dosages are maintained for months instead of weeks. Two months into the step down, I am not sure if I like the person I am when I'm not taking my medication. On Lexapro, I was always happy, optimistic, and smiling. I rarely, if ever, became irritated. Now, however, I find myself having varying mood swings on a daily basis and am actually getting mad at my friends and family. My boyfriend has explained to me that this kind of variance is extremely normal and that I may have missed development of adequate coping skills due to my years of chemical regulation. I began thinking about the implications of years on a medication that effects the brain. Have I ruined my mind? Will I be able to relearn how to live in my own head without a barrier? Do I want to be this new person who gets angry and cries and isnt' happy all the time? I'm not completely sold yet, but I don't want to quit in the middle of a step-down process only to decide to try it again in another six months. Why did my doctors allow me to live year after year on a medication that would be incredibly difficult to discontinue? Are these feelings going to persist, or will I eventually come to a more even state of mind?

Body Image Confusion

I read a really interesting article today in this month's issue of Glamour. One staff writer was asked to document how she felt her body looked once every five days for a month and on these days her picture was taken wearing the same green bikini. Her thoughts were greatly varied throughout the month even though her body didn't change at all between the pictures. Point taken, nobody notices seemingly horrible changes in our bodies day to day but ourselves. Even with this kind of evidence, I still manage to believe that just because that is what happened to this writer, MY body does change day to day and I can see the changes even though no one else can. I am so frustrated with my own weakness in regards to my health and fitness routine. It seems like I make so much progress for two to three weeks, then slide back into my own routines for two weeks. If I could just stick to a fitness and eating regiment for a straight month I know I would see some kind of appreciable results. I try so hard not to, but I often feel like a failure or like people look at me and Michael when we're out together and wonder how such a great looking guy ended up with me :( I need to just put up and shut up and stop making excuses for myself.

Weekend away

We just spent a weekend in the Rockies with his entire family. I feel like I fit in with them better than I did before, but I still am unsure if his mother will ever really accept me. After several
fights about his relationship with his family I have resigned my attempts to
get our parents to meet or for him to tell his parents just how
serious we are. I feel like they believe I am like any other bimbo attaching herself to their son because he is attractive, successful, and makes good money. I wish they knew how I love him so much I can't breathe right or that I want to be part of their family and them as part of mine. He is the only person that I feel guilty towards about writing down things I don't tell anyone. I tell him almost everything but there are certain aspects of a persons life that are too private for their significant others to know. I would never want him to know that I worry that I'm
not independent enough for him or that I worry constantly that we will
get married and then he will decide to tell me he doesn't want children. I worry too much

I guess I'll try this out

I am the person that everyone seems to go to with their problems. I hear both sides of every story and keep my mouth shut to avoid confrontation and the pressure of having to give sound advice and help other people solve their problems. Up until very very recently I wasn't even able to solve my own problems, much less those of my friends and family. To be honest I'm still confused as to whether I am actually solving my own problems or avoiding them and trying to be someone else. If I am trying to be someone else, I really wish I could really be this person. The person I am right now has a career path, is dependable, clean, drug-free, eating disorder recovered, non-smoking, has a wonderful boyfriend, great apartment, good relationships with her family, and is generally fun to be around. Sometimes I don't know if she is real or who I concocted as yet another alternate personality to jump to. I want to be her. I want to be successful and genuinely happy and put together. I really hope I am her.



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September 2009


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